Digimon: The Movie
(The Critic is grumpily typing at his computer when he finds several emails of fans requesting him to review Digimon, which he then groans at and drags to his "Digimon Requests" file. He then sits back in his chair and addresses the audience.) NC: What's with you people? I didn't watch Digimon growing up. I-I was in college for God's sake. I didn't even watch Pokemon. "Oh Pikachu. Pikachu." Fuck that shit! And yet so many people are like "Oh, do Digimon. Oh, do Digimon." No seriously. That's how some emails go. Look. (Shows the email as he reads it with a normal voice) "Do Digimon! Do Digimon! *waves arms in girly fashion and squeaks in high pitch pussy voice." What am I supposed to say about a show that I don't know slash care anything about, and yet everybody is asking me to do it? There's only one person who can help me out with this. (We then hear the Batman movie theme begin as the Critic presses a remote control to activiate a spotlight that says "JO" on it and looks to the side) NC: Goddamit. There's no clouds out. When the hell would that ever happen? (The Next Day) (He then tries again with the remote) NC: GODDAMIT! IT'S DURING THE DAY! TAP-DANCING CRAP! (The Next Day) (He tries one more time with the now taped up remote and the spotlight is now successfully shining in the night sky. Critic's phone suddenly rings) NC: The time has come. Angry Joe: Are we invading another micronation? NC: Goddamit. What do you want? Joe: It-It says "Joe" in the sky. NC: No it doesn't. It says "J-O." Joe: Yeah. That spells Joe. NC: Fuck it. Do you have JesuOtaku's number? Joe: Yeah. NC: Can you text it to me? Joe: Not until I get a Joe signal in the sky. Joe (vo): I deserve a Joe signal in the sky, Critic! (Cut to JesuOtaku combing a stuffed bunny) JO: Oh, Kube. Someday we'll rule this world together. We just need to fix your ears first. (Phone rings with an anime ringtone) Hello? NC: Hey, uh, look outside. JO: (does so) Uh, yeah? NC: You see that incredibly expensive spotlight being pointed in the sky? JO: Uh, yeah! I thought that was for AngryJoe, actually. NC: I'm doing Digimon. Do you want to help or not? JO: Oh, Critic! You can't come into a show like Digimon and expect to properly represent it. You need to have grown up with it, seen a good majority of the episodes, have a good connection to the fan community that you obviously do not have, so yeah, this is far out of your league even with my help. NC: Well if that's the way it has to be... JO: Now the movie on the other hand. (The Digimon theme plays with clips of the movie) NC (vo): But wait. I thought in order to talk about the movie, I have to know about the show, right? JO (vo): Well, technically, this movie claims you can come into it without knowing anything about the show or the franchise. They say they explain everything to new viewers. NC (vo): Do they? JO (vo): No, but that's one of the reasons this sucks so much. It's actually three films with completely different plots and settings smashed together into one with only Smash Mouth songs and bad puns holding it together. NC (vo): So even fans of the show didn't like this movie? JO (vo): For the most part. NC: Oh, joy bunnies! JO: So let's not waste any time. NC: Really, because I'm quite content with wasting time. JO: Let's take a look at this elephant dookie that is the Digimon Movie. JO (vo): So we open on... (We then cut to the Angela Anaconda short that plays before the movie) Angela Anaconda: This is it, Digi-pals! JO (vo): Oh, fuck me! I forgot about this part. NC (vo): What the fuck is that? God, those Digimon are even more hideous than I imagined. JO (vo): No, no. This isn't Digimon. That's Angela Anaconda. NC (vo): Boy, I thought Japanese animation would be a little better than this. JO (vo): Well, it's not exactly the movie. Angela Anaconda was owned by Fox as well. They wanted to promote two turds with one bomb. Wasn't shown in theaters for a quick gag, either. It kicks off every copy of the movie. This is seriously part of the flick. This is their best foot forward, people. NC (vo): It's like an extreme night terror if you passed out drinking moonshine while watching Terry Gilliam cartoons. Angela: Oh, so Mrs. Brinks and Ninny-Poo think they can block the Digimon show with their big, fat, Digimon blocking heads, do they? Angela Anaconda Digivolve to Angelamon! NC (vo): My God, it's still going. JO (vo): Goes on for four minutes. You know, at least the Pokemon movie didn't open with the Biker Mice from Mars racing in to watch the movie on the big screen. NC (vo): What's next? Spongebob racing in to watch The Last Airbender? (Cut to Spongebob, Sandy, and Patrick watching the live-action Last Airbender movie in a movie theater) NC (as Spongebob): Boy, Shyamalan needs to throw in the towel. JO (as Sandy): I thought there were blue cats in this. NC: So when does the movie actually start? (The movie finally begins. The text "Worst Thing Imaginable Approaching" suddenly appears) NC: What? JO: (wearing a pillow and strainer as armor) Too late. (The opening credits play with Digi-Rap playing) Digi-Rap: The Digivolution is up and running. Digi See. Digi Hear. Digi Know it was coming? NC: What the country-fried Christ crackers?